Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
