She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
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