my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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