My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
