I haven't been this sober since birth.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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