I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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