So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize