On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
love makes seman taste better
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
