I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize