He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
