11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
