ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Randomize
