I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
