Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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