this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
