Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
