she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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