I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
