just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
