Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
