dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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