I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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