Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
