I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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