She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize