I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
