I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Oh god it's open bar.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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