Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
