Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
