You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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