I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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