I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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