i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
