Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
