This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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