Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
