Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
