is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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