I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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