I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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