He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
