The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
