She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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