just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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