if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
