my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
