need another drink. this is the easiest way
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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