Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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