He uses pillows to masturbate.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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