I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
