His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
