why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
