yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
