I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
