will power is for people who don't want to get laid
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
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